I was rereading parts of the epic Anglo-Saxon poem Beowulf and then this happened (mature language):
The Misanthropic Epic Adventures of Razorboy and Scissor Girl (Issue #001 of #001)
I’m going to tell you a story about a boy,
Who lived in his mother’s attic and never felt joy,
His short and messy hair was as black as his soul,
He wore black ‘cause the darkness was all he’d ever know.
In Meteor City the police had gone on strike,
And the law and Lady Justice both took a hike,
When a group called LoVE rose to prominence,
They were the “League of Villainous Extremists.”
The whole city would’ve fallen were it not for the heroic few,
The elite, devoted members of the H-a-T-E crew.
They fought evil in the park, downtown and in the shopping mall,
They were well known as the “Heroes against The Evil” to all.
During one hot summer day in the thick of June,
Our hero was walking when he heard a great kaboom.
The good guys and the bad guys were fighting so rough,
Our hero never thought he’d ever be able to get enough.
He watched, all clad in black, as they battled in the street
When he laid his eyes upon the prettiest girl he’d ever seen.
She wore sunglasses and a dress all cut up and covered with blood,
As soon as he saw her he knew he’d fallen in love.
In the newspaper later he learned who she was,
Her name was Scissor Girl and that was because
She kept five scissors in each of her delicate hands,
Which she used to cut hearts out of her enemies’ skins.
She was a member of LoVE and somehow he had to find her
Our brave hero determined to enlist so he could fight beside her
So he made a long list of all the goth clubs and parties
Where someone as hip as her might hang out on Fridays.
Then that Friday finally came and he’d hit the bottom of his list.
This last wicked location, they called it the Devil’s Pit.
The drug-fueled music was a-thumping and the lights were dim,
And he only got in because he looked like a member of H.I.M.
She was sitting at the bar, talking to some cute guys,
Who were buying her mixed drinks and staring at her eyes,
She wore sunglasses of course just like she’d worn before,
He looked at her once and then he looked back at the door.
He thought, “She’s out of my league, there’s just no way,
Even if I approached her I wouldn’t know what to say.
Besides, it seems like she’s interested in those dudes,
If I tried to talk to her now I’d only come off as rude.
“Back to the dark attic I’ll go, where I belong,
I should’ve never bothered, I always do things wrong,
And now I’m feeling worse than I’ve ever felt before,
I will try not to think of Scissor Girl anymore.”
As he turned to bail he thought he saw something odd,
Scissor Girl looked tired, her head was starting to nod,
The guys she was with grinned and looked at each other
It was clear that they had nothing but terrible plans for her.
The taller of the two took her under his great big arms,
If our hero didn’t think fast Scissor Girl might come to harm,
So he followed the evil duo as they carried her body away,
To a dark, pulsing room hidden in the back of the place.
They threw her on the bed and tried to lift up her skirt,
When our hero stepped in brandishing a straight razor,
The two men looked surprised but then they both laughed,
They were bigger and stronger and could kick our hero’s ass.
Until our silly little hero turned the razor against his wrists,
To which the first scumbag smiled and said, “Do it, like I give a shit,”
And then our hero replied, “You want my blood in your face?
Look at me, I’m sick, and if I bleed I’ll infect this whole place.”
“You’re bluffing you little faggot and I’ll beat your ass to death,
And then I’ll rape this bitch while you sit there in a bloody mess.”
“This one’s mine, watch, I’ll make him regret it,” the other said,
“You’re out of your league, you’re just a little faggot kid.”
Our hero then looked at the girl as she lay unconscious on the bed,
All pretty and with a white dress all cut up and covered in red.
He pressed the razor hard and started to open a vein,
The douche bags started to wonder if this kid was insane.
The blood started to flow and our hero bravely said,
“You asked for this you bastards, now you’ll all be dead.
The sickness in my veins is a contagious and wicked threat.
You’ve got only seconds to leave before you’re both infected.”
The men looked at each other and they heard the kid’s voice.
He wasn’t joking, it seemed, he didn’t leave them with a choice,
They both bolted for the door, screaming, “This kid’s a damn loon!
Someone call the CDC and quickly quarantine that room!”
Alone now with Scissor Girl our hero put away his blade,
He smiled at her and wondered when she would awake.
He kneeled beside the bed and thought about giving her a kiss,
But if he took any advantage he’d be no better than those dicks.
He looked around the room and found a little closet
And out of that little closet he took a little blue blanket
Which he placed over this girl with whom he’d already fallen in love,
And then he laid on the floor to rest while he waited for her to wake up.
It was a couple hours later when he woke from his nightmares,
And Scissor Girl stood above him with a giant pair of scissors,
She said, “You didn’t have to do that, I had it all under control.
I only needed another minute, then I’d have slaughtered those assholes.
“Who even are you?” she said, “I’ve never seen you before.”
“My name is Jeremy,” he said, “and you’re who I was looking for.”
“Well, you found me,” she said, “now what the hell do you want?”
“I want to join you in LoVE,” he said, “and give criminality a shot.”
“You want to join me in LoVE?” she asked, “But I don’t do partnerships.
Besides, what kind of a name is Jeremy? You need something more hip.
How about we call you Razorboy, since you seem to like to bleed?
Since you helped me out back there, I guess I’ll help you join the team.”
“But I want to be your partner,” he said, “It’s like my biggest dream.
Ever since I saw you fighting the other day. See, I’m stronger than I seem.
I’m not very experienced in crime but the darkness is my whole life,
I’ve never known anything but violence, self-infliction and strife.”
She put the scissors to his neck and said, “Then look into my eyes.”
She removed her sunglasses and revealed her big surprise.
Instead of two eyes she’d been hiding two black hollow holes,
Where eyes had once been until she’d cut out them both.
“Look into my eyes,” she said, “and tell me what Razorboy sees.”
“I see the most beautiful girl,” he said, “that’s ever looked at me.”
“You’re a sweet kid,” she said, “maybe too sweet for a life of crime.
But I’ll take you under my wing anyway and show you a good time.”
END OF ISSUE #01
is not an exit 